There are particular behaviours that are going to cause problems inside a relationship and could even sabotage one from taking place, and one of those behaviors is when someone is obsessive. This can appear at the start of a relationship or it can appear as a relationship develops.
For the individual on the receiving end of this conduct, it can feel smothering and mind-boggling. At first it may be bearable, but over time it could become unbearable. And for others, it could be something that causes them to finish the relationship as soon as this type of behaviour happens.
It will often depend on how tolerant someone is and whether they talk to the other person about what is going on. Some people will open a conversation about how they feel and some people may just walk away.
However , just because someone is clingy, it doesn’t necessary mean that they are aware of their own behaviour and how destructive it can be. At the beginning of a relationship they can find themselves becoming extremely attached to the other person.
And while it may only be the start of relationship, to them it can feel as though it has been going on for a lot lengthier. It is not case of merely planning to feel connected to the other person; this is a feeling of wanting to completely combine with them.
Just being with them is not enough; one has to feel a part of their lives in each way that is possible. Boundaries are not something they want to exercise or put up with, what they often want is to enmesh with the other person. And this is usually rarely something that is consciously considered, with it often being an unconscious compulsion.
How this is known can vary for every person and depend on what the context is usually. And yet there will often be typical patterns that take place when someone is clingy.
This person can be: needy, intrusive, overbearing and overwhelming. They can have the need for constant attention and reassurance; with regular and consistent contact being required.
At the most extreme, this could relate to them wanting to see the other person at every moment probable and to know what they are and are not really doing. Jealousy can be another problem here, as one thing clingy individuals have difficulty with is trust.
So thoughts that the additional person is cheating or performing things without them can be daily occurrences. If they stop speaking to the other person or don’t hear from them for a while, all kinds of fear and anxiety can arise.
If they could trust the other person, then presently there would not be the need for these behaviors. One of the ideas they will have concerning the other person is ‘if Really dont remind them that I am right here, I might be ignored or forgotten about’.
And while this is one of the beliefs that underpin these types of behaviours, if the other person is just not interested, acting in these ways will not cause them to stay. In fact , acting during these ways will more than likely push them away.
When this happens, one is likely to feel abandoned. And this is the really feeling that they are trying to avoid by being clingy.
It is unlikely to be a sensation that can be ignored and pushed away from ones awareness. It can be a feeling which is extremely overpowering and overwhelming. Plus due to the intensity, a clinger requirements constant reassurance from another to prevent this feeling from surfacing.
This is a feeling that could have built up over ones adult existence and the original cause can go back to whenever one was a child. At this time, it was not just a feeling that one had; it will have been an experience that felt like loss of life.
Ideally one would have had a caregiver that was emotionally available and in tune in most cases. But when this doesn’t take place, there is going to be a greater possibility that one was physically and emotionally abandoned on a continual basis.
Caregivers are not perfect and thus there is going to be moments when a child feels abandoned. At this age, it is going to be a feeling that is mind-boggling and one that feels like the end from the world.
And as the particular caregiver is not around, one will have had to have pushed these feelings away from their awareness and they would after that end up being trapped in one’s body.
The Present Day
Now, although this all occurred many years ago, as the feelings associated with abandonment are still trapped in one’s body, they are defining how one feels and behaves. Physically one may be an adult, but emotionally you can feel just like they did as a child.
The challenge is that whilst they have the same feelings, the person they wish to be in a relationship with or are in a relationship with, is definitely an individual and not their caregiver. And while ones caregiver should have been absolute, wholehearted in their love and attention; another individual can only be conditional.
To expect a caregiver to be presently there in most cases is normal and yet whenever one has the same expectation form the, it can cause them to pull away. Here, the particular trapped feelings will be retriggered and one can come to conclude that they are being caused by the other person.
The Other Side
But even though this individual can have a fear of abandonment, as they were abandoned so much as a child, they can have a deeper fear of being smothered or engulfed by another person.
And as this fear exists in a deeper level, they can end up being drawn to people who are unavailable. So there anxiety about being abandoned is going to be constantly retriggered.
These feelings that are trapped in your body will need to be released. And this can be done with the help of a therapist or healer that allows one to face them.
As this takes place, one will move ahead from this dynamic and no longer be attracted to people who are distant or mind-boggling. And then real intimacy can take place.